Things come to a head.

Okay, so, I need to put this in writing and that's the purpose of this thing, right? Putting things down that I need to get off my chest?

I've known for years that my husband has been cheating on me.

Wow. That's funny to see in print. Black and white. It looks so, I don't know, matter of fact? Innocent? Something.

So, here is the thing. I always said I'd never stand for being cheated on. But I did. I didn't leave. Instead I went ahead and got pregnant. It wasn't to 'save' anything either, we've always wanted children and the fact he cheated didn't change that for me. I wanted our daughter. But I discovered something after having her. What I could tolerate changed. Not just in my relationships either, but within myself.

So along with the deal with my weight & depression issues I decided to deal with the infidelity. I went after the proof which was eye opening. He'd been trying to stop for a while and he wasn't with her on anything close to a steady basis. So I decided I'd try to be subtle, guide him toward being more firm in not just trying to seperate from it by letting him know I suspected something. And I think that would have worked but another complication arose.

He's been trying to rekindle our relationship and talking about getting on with getting pregnant again. There is - no - way I'm doing that until I am further along with my weight progress and I thought that was my only reason really. But as he's been trying to get intimate, rekindle physical contact as well as emotional, I realized I can't do it until I know it's really over. So I confronted him.

Long story short, we are going to try and recover from this. I've been clear as I can be that it will take a lot of work for him to rebuild my trust and that intimacy isn't going to happen overnight. He didn't understand how much this hurt. How much, right now, I don't like him.

I am willing to try, really try, but I think I'm more than a little scared that it won't be enough.

Back from the edge.

Holiday time is always so spastic, between the obligations of family, work and friends there seems to be zero time to actually accomplish anything because you are so busy 'doing' things. Add to that though I just really didn't feel like writing. Mental block I suppose. A twist of depression. Okay, that's not exactly right.

More like a realization of depression. I've always felt that I am not the type to be depressed, one of those - it's just a phase, I can buck through it, it's just the blues kind of thing. But since the baby I've taken some long, hard looks at myself and I know that I've been depressed for years. Not so sure I qualify as clinically depressed but wow, it's there alright.

I've been overweight since I hit fourteen or so, but I'm at the biggest I've been, I hit 311 right before the baby was born and even though I lost a solid fifty pounds afterwards I started up again a couple of months ago. I know depression is a lot of that, and that my weight is also a lot of my depression. Classic viscous circle, right? So I hit 280 and said, that's that. I can't be - this - woman, this example, for my baby. I can't be this woman for myself either.

I am horribly unhappy, it effects every aspect of my life.
It's my own damn fault.
I'm letting myself sink because it's easier than doing the work to swim.
I think I am also waiting for someone to save me.

That one bears repeating.
I think I am waiting for someone to save me.
My focus is on anything and everything but my own actions. I'm doing so much.. if only. If only this part of my life was - this - way, if only I had - this - thing, if only... if only. But none of the if onlys are things I would do.

So, screw this new year resolutions crap. I am not going to tie these revelations to something so transitory.

I am not going to be this unhappy person any more. Every time I find myself doing something in pattern I will stop and look at my daughter and remind myself of the example I am setting. I am going to be proactive about changing my life. I joined Curves with my friend Gina. Three times a week. There will be no excuses. It has been two weeks and I already feel different. I have stopped eating the way I did. No more fast food. No more daily sodas. Healthy Choice, Lean Cuisine, smaller portions when I do eat 'regular' food and salads. I will get out more during the week, walks in the park, on the beach, whatever, just to get out in the sun and fresh air.