Things come to a head.

Okay, so, I need to put this in writing and that's the purpose of this thing, right? Putting things down that I need to get off my chest?

I've known for years that my husband has been cheating on me.

Wow. That's funny to see in print. Black and white. It looks so, I don't know, matter of fact? Innocent? Something.

So, here is the thing. I always said I'd never stand for being cheated on. But I did. I didn't leave. Instead I went ahead and got pregnant. It wasn't to 'save' anything either, we've always wanted children and the fact he cheated didn't change that for me. I wanted our daughter. But I discovered something after having her. What I could tolerate changed. Not just in my relationships either, but within myself.

So along with the deal with my weight & depression issues I decided to deal with the infidelity. I went after the proof which was eye opening. He'd been trying to stop for a while and he wasn't with her on anything close to a steady basis. So I decided I'd try to be subtle, guide him toward being more firm in not just trying to seperate from it by letting him know I suspected something. And I think that would have worked but another complication arose.

He's been trying to rekindle our relationship and talking about getting on with getting pregnant again. There is - no - way I'm doing that until I am further along with my weight progress and I thought that was my only reason really. But as he's been trying to get intimate, rekindle physical contact as well as emotional, I realized I can't do it until I know it's really over. So I confronted him.

Long story short, we are going to try and recover from this. I've been clear as I can be that it will take a lot of work for him to rebuild my trust and that intimacy isn't going to happen overnight. He didn't understand how much this hurt. How much, right now, I don't like him.

I am willing to try, really try, but I think I'm more than a little scared that it won't be enough.